Remember those pictures made up of several little pictures or designs, and if you looked at it just right, you could see a hidden image in the dots? Well, everyone else in the world seemed able to see the image anyway, I have never been able to see one, but it's not for lack of trying. I have done everything I possibly could to get a glimpse of anything remotely similar to what others were able to find in these pictures. I have squinted and stared, crossed and uncrossed my eyes, stood further back, moved closer, closed one eye and then the other, you name it, all in an effort to see what everyone around me was seeing, rather than just a blob of colorful dots. No matter what I tried, I never did see anything, only got more frustrated as one more person barked advice at me and acted as thought I was somehow less intelligent than they were since I couldn't see as clearly. Actually, I also feared it might have something to do with my brain capacity! Until one day I mentioned it to my eye doctor, who told me that with my lack of depth perception, those pictures would be impossible for me.
Recently, life has been looking a lot like those blurred pictures, and it hasn't made much sense to me. I've tried to look at it all from a distance to gain clearer understanding, and I have tried to pick it apart, to make sense of the individual pieces of all that has gone on, hoping that would help me understand the bigger picture. All I could see was that things were looking pretty bleak. It seemed to me that 2017 was simply a year of trauma, pain, hurt, fearful situations, loss, and illness, and I have to admit, I was completely worn out from it all. Our family's mantra had become "just bring on 2018".
This feeling of negativity and being overwhelmed carried it's own weight for me, as I usually pride myself on being able to see the positive in almost any situation. I have a lot of faith and always take the stance that any negative situation is a chance for God to show up in some kind of great, only-God-can-do-it sort of way. But after my son being robbed at gun point at the beginning of the year, and the depression he was battling, my daughter being suicidal and revealing extreme trauma and abuse, the loss of my brother to a horrible illness, and then following it all up with a month of illness for me, I was really done with this year and having a hard time understanding it all. Each time a new thing happened, I would say my typical faith filled things, the usual Christian go-to's, like, "God must be up to something big" and "Just wait and see what God is going to do". And at the beginning of the year, I believed them. But as the months went on and things just kept happening, the hope behind those statements began to get smaller and smaller, until they just became words I said to make other people feel better, and so they wouldn't worry about us and how we were doing. I wanted to believe them, but there came a point where I realized I wasn't so sure, everything just looked like a blurry mess that kept on going.
And then, one day as I was praying, the Lord laid something on my heart. He showed me that my perspective did not allow me to see the real picture. I was too close to the situation, and He began to give me his perspective, with his perfect vision, and from his Kingdom point of view. He showed me how he had kept a trigger from being pulled, and Noah's life was not only spared but it was a lesson for Noah in God's protection and having courage. He needed to see that the hand of God was able to keep him, that nothing will come his way that God has not already prepared for. It also showed Noah things about himself that are so valuable, like that he stayed calm under extreme stress, made wise choices in how he handled the situation, and that everyone in his life cared so much that he was ok. Noah struggles sometimes to know his value, and I believe he needed very much to see that God was right there with him, and that his family all rallied around to make sure he was going to be alright. This was most deinfitely a time when what the devil meant for bad, God used for good. It was just a matter of how we wanted to look at it.
During my prayer, God also began to give me a picture of Kennady, who had been hurting and broken and in a horrific situation for so long, but by allowing her to hit her breaking point, He brought out the truth that would lead to her being set free. This was not the year of her abuse and trauma, it was the year of her deliverance and freedom! While it's been hard, and she has struggled, she has gained a maturity and strength well beyond her years. She has learned to look at herself, see the broken places and turn them over to Jesus so that she can be made whole. She is learning to trust again, and to accept God's perfect love for her, no matter her own imperfections. The impact of her testimony will give her the opportunity to help other young girls find that freedom. For her, while 2017 has been an epic battle, and she has suffered a lot of loss, it is the year she actually got out of the enemy's prison, received healing and is ready to get back on the battlefield, this time equipped for the fight!
Losing my brother was hard for our entire family, no one more so than his precious wife and daughter. It's tough to find the good in an evil disease that wreaked havoc on a loved one. But God is in every situation we allow him into, and the good is that Tony surrendered his life to the Lord, so when it was time, God took him to Heaven in the most peaceful way possible, to spend his eternity with Jesus. At the beginning of the year he was in terrible pain, and still weighing his beliefs and his future. It brings more comfort than I can say to know that he was able to lay his life in God's hands, and we will see him again one day. He has gone from being unable to move, in severe pain, to being made completely whole, enjoying all that Heaven is, with his Savior.
Those blurry pictures? I will never be able to see the actual picture for myself, my eyes just can't do it. I just have to trust that what others say they are seeing is actually there. But the blurry picture that life is? God is able to give us new vision, so that we can at least get a glimpse of the beautiful picture that is forming underneath it all. When we can't see, because we are just so close to the situation, we need to spend some time with Jesus. We can trust what He sees.
While I may still trip over stairs in the natural, my "depth perception" increases when I spend some time looking from God's perspective.
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